Imagine waking up in the morning, your head is heavy, your body aches and you feel drained. Its not the flu, you are not physically sick.
The silence in the house is broken by your 3 month old daughter waking and gurgling away to herself.
You drag yourself out of bed and look into the cot. Her legs and arms go mad, she smiles and laughs delighted to see her Daddy.
But you feel nothing! You force a smile so she doesn't sense anything is wrong. She knows though. Her smile turns to a frown. It breaks your heart. Still you pick her up to comfort her. A bottle stops her tears.
Yesterday was fine. Nothing has happened to make you feel like this, it just is.
You may feel better later, it might take days. It could get worse. There's nothing you can do to change this.
This is my life. This is what depression is like.
There is no worse feeling than watching your kids and not feeling the joy you should.
Hearing them excited about an achievement and feigning interest and happiness.
I take my "happy pill" every night. It doesn't stop me feeling this way.
Tomorrow might be different. I hope.
Secession via photopin (license)
I don't want to make this a long comment, you have them kids to take care of. But when I say PLEASE, for your sake and the sake of your kids, try a different "happy pill" as you put it. I really can relate, I have major depression topped w/ bi-polar and a side of anxiety and a few panic attacks here and there for good measure. Whew! I have a good Rx regimine for now, but it can take a while to find the right one that is going to work for you. It's really trial and error when it comes to psych meds unfortunately. But I tell you what, at this time last year I was suicidal. I have two girls,an 8 year old and 19 year old and if she wasn't graduating that weekend, I would not be sitting here. So please, for your kids sake, find a med that works. I wish you and your family well!! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting. Luckily it doesn't last long. Have been on meds for years now. No suicide attempts for years wouldn't do that to kids.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're dealing with this Alan.
ReplyDeleteThanks Becky. Luckily days like this are few and far between. Thanks for reading and commenting.
DeleteI'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! If you need a boost of hope, I recommend a video called 'My Brain (tour diary)' on the YouTube channel 'doddlevloggle'
ReplyDeleteIt's quite a long one and I cannot guarantee it'll help, but it gave me a lovely burst of hope when I most needed it <3
Thanks Vicki. I will keep that in mind.
DeleteI hope all ok with you. Thanks for taking time to comment.
Sorry to hear about this. It must truely be one day at a time and not worrying too much about the next. I hope you can find some joy in your lovely children and are getting lots of support. Posts like this really help others too xxx
ReplyDeleteLuckily days like this are few and far. The most annoying thing is that there is no apparent trigger. I hope it helps, that was the main reason for writing.
DeleteThanks so much for commenting.